i miss jack. most of the time i feel like if i were to say that to anyone, they'd be disappointed in me. but i do miss him. and i think i'll always love him. sigh. i wish he didn't resent me so much. i feel like i'm not as terrible as he believes me to be. i saw his cousin this weekend and didn't ask about him bc i didn't want to be awk. but i do worry about jack and i want really badly to know that he's ok and happy and healthy.

life is confusing.

this summer is better than before. I take my half a pill in the morning and half at night. it helps balance my mood. I'm able to think more clearly without getting frantically upset spiraling out of control so quickly. Basically it keeps me from freaking out and from getting to low. I miss J. still. He was just a huge part of my life for a very very very long time. it sucks when people leave my life. i hate it.

I think that's ok though. I dunno. I mean that I miss him. I hope he is ok.

I'm working my same old job, but I have some exciting plans for the fall, and then hopefully i'll get into graduate school.

I feel quite privileged being a college graduate. Like, no one can take that away from me. It's nice.

I don't know, I just haven't written here in a long time and wanted to.

fuck everything.

fuck you too.

me being passed out on the couch is not an invitation for you to try to stick your p in my v.

WHAT THE FUCK.

guys are fucking idiots. i miss m. and pablo. both of them are great to me and actually act like they care about more than getting it in

i cut myself tonight. fuck/

things i can't handle all together right now:

having my 5 year old sister die in my arms.
being raped.
having the boy who convinced me that it was safe to have sex with him after that turn out to not give a shit about me at all.

i can't handle life right now and it's scary.

i'm sort of enjoying not having a phone. it is so freeing. and no awkward texts! i can only call people through skype. this is nice! last nught was OOC. ps that biatch made things awkward but they weren't for me bc i'm not a miserable shrew like her hahah. i love life. i love my friends. i love nice boys even though i'm at this weird place whewre i miss jack in a weird way bc i know he doesnt miss me, but i still dont want to do anything with anyone else. ughhhhh i have to figure it out

i lost my phone. fuck me.

i made a valentine in the shape of a heart with glitter glue and everything that says "ENJOY YOUR VD"

like, enjoy your valentines day, get it?!?!

ugh. today is the 100 days party. what the fuck, where does time go?

i care a lot about people, maybe too much.
but that is because i am strong enough to care that much. because it is painful to care.
but i am strong. P told me i was the strongest woman he had ever met in his life.

when i think about all i've been through, really, i think fuck yea, i am strong.
and that is comforting. sort of.
i am strong enough to care even when it hurts.

and then i realized. i am prettier than her, nicer than her (FOR REAL), smarter than her, cooler than her etcccccccccccc


and its like a weight off my shoulders.
i wish i could be a slore sometimes. but i would hate it, and i love myself too much to be used.
i told hc i never fuck anyone, and that i would only considering having sex with a boy who loves me.

bummer kind of. but it is better, i believe that so much!

another reason to hate capitalism: basing people's worth on how much money they make.

ya know, like when a nurse killed my sister. and the lawyer told my parents it wouldn't matter if they sued, bc seraphina had CP so it's doubtful she would have made any money in her lifetime....so she was worth nothing basically.

FUCK THAT